Amnesia
by OzGeek
Summary: A practical joke from Tony gives McGee amnesia. Also on NCIS fanfic archive under 'Return to McGee'.
1. Chapter 1

Years ago, it would have been a task Gibbs relished. A hike across a national park to a crime scene: Backpacks, maps, compasses, a team of eager, fit marines who would gladly give their lives for the good of the team.

The vision dissolved before him. Instead there stood a prima donnas athlete more familiar with 5 star hotels than rough terrain, a bright eyed slightly overweight boy scout who struggled to climb the stairs at work and a female mercenary who would cannibalize them all in a heartbeat if the need arose.

He drew their attention to the chart on the wall. "This is our crime scene", he pointed. It should take us most of the day to get there IF", he stressed glaring at McGee; "we keep up a good pace". McGee nodded his head energetically. This actually worried Gibbs more than if he'd admitted he might have a problem.

"We will dine on rations," Tony crinkled his nose, "and we will travel as a team. Your arse is only safe if all arses are safe" He held Ziva's gaze for a moment.

He turned back to the map. "We have a storm expected through some time tomorrow. In theory it should pass to the south but I've doubled the rations just in case we get stranded."

He looked at the three faces. In his minds eye they turned into crack marines. Then they morphed back into agents. Ah reality: you gotta hate it. "Let's go."

* * *

The pace was starting to get on Gibb's nerves. This trek should have taken 5 hours maximum with breaks but it was stretching out to 6 or possibly 7 with McGee dragging along behind. The other three were taking more rest breaks just to wait for him to catch up and Tony took great delight in leaping up just as McGee plonked himself on the ground saying "Well, enough resting".

"When we get back, you are hitting that gym every morning," Gibbs warned McGee. McGee was nodded glumly.

Tony was thoroughly enjoying himself. If it weren't for the bugs and piles of animal excrement lying about, it might be perfect. When Gibbs was this annoyed at Probie, he had no time to be mad at him. He was the golden child who could do no wrong and he milked it for all it was worth. He even pretended to be interested in the map Gibbs and Ziva were studying, sneaking glances as McGee to make sure he appreciated how much he was being ostracised.

Gibbs was relieved at the mid-afternoon stop. With any luck, the next stop would be the actual cabin and then they might even have a few hours of daylight to search the perimeter. He tossed down his backpack and pulled out the map once again. He checked the distance: it wasn't far, even by McGee's standards. Tony and Ziva were unloading their packs beside him. Then all three of them stood, looking out into the trees waiting for McGee's plodding footsteps and tortured breaths.

"Come on McGee", Gibbs encouraged wearily.

"Here he comes", said Tony hearing the clumping through the soft ground.

McGee wondered when this nightmare was ever going to end. Every single muscle in his body ached and he was pretty sure he had grown some new ones specifically to provide more pain to the ensemble. The ground was soft and uneven, and covered in pine needles and hidden pine cones so that his ankles kept wrenching one way and then the other. He'd thrown up twice so far on this trip and he was sure that if he had the energy, he'd be doing it again.

His chest felt so tight he couldn't take a proper breath. There was a burning through his lungs which made it impossible for him to stand upright. Hunching slightly meant the weight of the backpack started to crush him. Adding to his overall discomfort he seemed to have developed a strange squeaking noise in his chest which continued after he had taken each breath. He was wondering there was a native bagpipe-fly in the region which he had inadvertently swallowed. He'd look it up when they got back.

He looked up and saw them all waiting for him: again. He couldn't stand the looks of derision. It was like high school cross country races all over again. They'd pay. Next time they wanted him to help with a misbehaving computer he'd suddenly develop a need to fulfil his gym requirement and then they'd be the ones sweating and panting.

He debated how close he should bother to get to them. Dropping where he was would seem too premature but too close and he could hear Tony's taunts. He chose a tree a few meters away from the others and collapsed to the ground, not even bothering to remove his backpack he leant his back against it, still remaining hunched to avoid the pain in his chest.

Gibbs, Tony and Ziva watched McGee gasping painfully on the ground in mild amusement. Tony took a breath and opened his mouth but Gibbs held up a warning hand. They stood in silence for a minute before Gibbs looked at Ziva.

"And I thought they were going over board with that first aid kit', he muttered, "Where did that go?"

Ziva dug through her backpack and found the first aid kit. She tossed it to Gibbs who undid the zip and searched meaningfully.

"Ah ha!" he held up a small plastic tube with a canister inside.

He strode over to where McGee was sitting hunched and wheezing painfully.

"And you didn't mention you had asthma because…?" he prompted removing the canister from the plastic tube and then using the tube itself as a spacer.

"Haven't…had…asthma…since…I…was…a…kid", McGee wheezed.

"It's called EXERCISE INDUCED asthma", Gibbs enunciated clearly, "it requires actual exercise". He gave the device a shake and a couple of introductory puffs.

"Here", he handed the device to McGee. "It's a strange kind of spacer but unless you're a pro, you're better off using it."

McGee regarded the device with a puzzled expression for a moment then shrugged and gave it a suck while pressing on the puffer. It made a strange harmonica noise which surprised him. Breathing wasn't any easier yet so he took another puff. This time the squealing in his chest evaporated. He waited a moment and then took a third. This time the tightness in his chest vanished like magic and he could straighten his back and breathe without pain. He held the puffer back out to Gibbs who shook his head.

"One more: four for attacks, don't you people ever listen in those first aid classes we send you to?"

McGee took another puff and coughed. At least it didn't hurt. He took an experimental deep breath and it came without trouble. "Wow, they should market this stuff", he said in awe.

Gibbs whacked him on the back of the head. "That's for not telling us and you're still going to those gym sessions."

Tony laughed. McGee was still in the bad books. His status was safe.


	2. Wonder Muncher

Although the cabin was tantalisingly close, Gibbs made them dump their backpacks a few meters from the structure. It was encircled in yellow tape.

Gibbs addressed his group: "This entire building is a crime scene. We have about an hour of daylight to do the outside then we're going in. Leave your boots on the front porch. We're expecting cold weather tonight so we'll start with the fireplace so we can light a fire when we're done, then the beds and the food preparation area. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes Boss", came the exhausted chorus.

"OK I need photos, sketch and bag and tag." Gibbs started.

McGee put out his hand, "bag and tag", he volunteered. Tony grinned at him and McGee realised Tony knew the reason for his choice. His hands, arms and legs were so shaky that he couldn't do justice to either photos or sketches. It was always dangerous to admit a weakness around Tony but it was even more dangerous to try and hide it from Gibbs. They would have found out during analysis anyway so he might as well admit defeat now.

Ziva hadn't noticed as far as he could tell but that all changed when they went to check out the chimney. For some reason, he was always the one kneeling in the dirt while some woman stood on his back.

"Can't you stop shaking!" said Ziva in exasperation.

"No!" he said in annoyance, "I'm doing it just to bug you?"

She stomped her foot hard on his kidney causing him to cry out and crumple against the inside wall of the fireplace.

"Keep still!" she growled.

Once Ziva had ascertained there was nothing of interest in the chimney she let him free. Extracting himself from the fireplace and straightening his back, McGee looked around the small one room cabin. It was fairly basic with a fireplace, two double beds, four rather ratty lounge chairs arranged around a beaten up coffee table and a small kitchen. Oh and a chalk outline of a body and splatters of blood everywhere. He was trying to filter those bits out.

Everywhere he looked the team was busy sketching, photographing, dusting and tagging. Every inch of the place seemed to be under attack.

Tony dumped a load of logs in his arms. "OK, boy scout", he said, "Start the fire".

McGee grimaced but took the pile and crouched to his aching knees again.

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Dinner was a sordid affair with hiker rations eaten in silence from the battered chairs. Gibbs gave them ten minutes 'break' after dinner and then it was back to work. Hour upon hour they slaved guided only by torchlight and firelight.

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McGee had heard the term 'asleep on your feet' but he hadn't fully appreciated that it was a real phenomenon until now. Every time he blinked, his eyelids seemed to glue together and he kept starting awake to find himself swaying. On one occasion, he snapped awake to find Tony's face in front of him.

"You OK, Probie?"

"Ah, Yeah..", he could tell he was slurring but there wasn't a lot he could do about it. "Is there somewhere I could……I just need to sit down for a moment."

Tony looked around for a vacant spot. Almost everything was under scrutiny but McGee's breathing was slow and deep, he was clearly going to drop any second. "Boss, are we finished with this bed?" he called out to Gibbs.

"Yeah, why?" Gibbs replied not even bothering to look up from his notebook.

"Just need to…" and he suddenly made a diving hug as McGee's eyes closed and his knees buckled.

McGee started awake again, blinking and taking a deep breath in an attempt to stay awake. He was confused. Was Tony hugging him? He was just too tired to care.

"Got a place for you right here, Probie", said Tony, lowering him to sit on the bed.

McGee sat gratefully and his eyes slid closed. Swaying unsteadily, his chin sank to his chest and his shoulders slumped. Gently Tony tilted him to one side until his head was on the pillow. McGee didn't stir. Then Tony lifted McGee's legs and placed them on the bed. He heard Ziva unrolling a sleeping bag. She brought it over and placed it on top of McGee, tucking it under his chin. As McGee sighed contentedly, Ziva bent over him, said a quiet Yiddish word Tony couldn't quite catch, and kissed him on the forehead.

Gibbs walked over wearing an expression of annoyance, "What the.."

"He's exhausted, boss", Tony wearily defended McGee and his own actions, "we all are. There's a point of diminishing returns and I think we've well and truly reached it."

Gibbs looked from Tony's haggard face to Ziva's haggard face and back. "OK", he relented, "Let's call it a night".

Tony let out a deep sigh. "Thank God". Then he looked at the beds. "Ziva?"

Ziva took a step closer to Gibbs.

Tony was hurt, "What makes you think it's safer to share a bed with him than me?"

"Something Jen told me", she replied mysteriously.

"Which was?" Gibbs prompted.

Ziva looked up at him for a moment and then gave up "Hair not red, Gibbs safe in bed." She chanted.

Gibbs gave broad smile. "She said that, did she?" he chuckled.

"Of course, you could always share with Probie", Tony suggested, "It's not as if he's going to do anything to you tonight."

Ziva screwed up her face. "I have seen and heard many terrible things in my life", she said, "but that teeth grinding thing just cuts through me like a knife" and she walked over to the other bed with a shudder.

Tony sidled up to Gibbs "You know she snores?" he whispered in a conspiratorial tone. Gibbs smiled at him, reached into his pocket and pulled out a small plastic bag containing two ear plugs.

"You came prepared for her boss?" Tony was impressed.

"They were so I didn't have to listen to you all night, DiNozzo".

Tony pouted at him. "Did you bring some for me so I don't have to listen to the wonder muncher?" he whined indicating McGee grinding his teeth in his sleep.

"Nope", Gibbs gave him a sly smile and headed for the other bed.


	3. Just a head shot

The first indication Tony had that something was up was when he sensed a sudden change in the light. Was that a flash? Then came Gibbs amplified voice calling:

"Wakey, wakey, wakey"

Tony shot up in bed to see Gibbs and Ziva standing at the foot of the bed laughing. Gibbs hands still fashioned in the shape of a megaphone.

"What the…?"

"Old navy tradition", Gibbs informed him.

"Shame really", Ziva added, "You too looked so cute together" and she came around the bed to show Tony the picture on the digital camera screen.

Tony looked and then closed his eyes in embarrassment. There they were: he and McGee curled up facing each other in what looked disturbingly like a heart shape.

"You'll pay", he muttered dangerously to Ziva.

He rolled out of bed and looked out the window. It was still dark. "What time do you call this?" he asked Gibbs.

"Pre-dawn", Gibbs replied in a business-like fashion, "The ranger said the storm has changed course. We're going to have to get moving if we don't want to spend another night here".

Tony was not impressed. He shuffled off to get ready then he stopped and looked back. McGee was still out cold.

"What about him", he whined.

"Who?" said Gibbs walking off.

"McGee", said Tony.

Gibbs looked back at the bed in surprise: old 'wakey, wakey' had served him well for many years. Puzzled, he walked back to the bed to regard McGee's oblivious face sternly.

"McGee!" he yelled.

McGee awoke feeling like he had been hit by the proverbial truck. He was aware he had just snorted, something he only did when he was woken from a sound sleep. He couldn't hear the alarm which meant, thankfully, it couldn't be a work day. He was exhausted; he could use the extra sleep. He grunted painfully, rolled over and dozed off again.

"McGee!"

Unless of course he was over-nighting somewhere for work. He snorted awake and met a pair of steely blue eyes. Adrenaline pounded through this body.

"Boss?" he squeaked trying to orientate himself.

Then it all came flooding back to him: the pain, the exhaustion, the sheer embarrassment. Then he realised it was about to happen all over again. The boss was mad at him before he had even opened his eyes. It was only downhill from here. He rolled his aching body off the bed and landed on the floor. Yep, definitely downhill.

"I want you ready to go in 10 minutes", Gibbs growled at him from above. "That includes breakfast. You'll need the energy to keep up with us today. Oh and use that puffer BEFORE we set off."

Gibbs stomped away, ignoring the look of panic on McGee's face.

It was only 15 minutes later when they all trailed out of the cabin.

"Stick together", Gibbs yelled out setting a cracking pace. "DiNozzo, McGee is your responsibility."

"Aww Boss", Tony complained.

"Get him to hold on to your backpack and pull him if you have to, we have to move."

Tony sighed and looked back at McGee who was already lagging behind. "Come on Probie, hang on to the backpack."

McGee looked up at him in confusion.

"Boss's orders", Tony explained.

McGee rolled his eyes and grabbed Tony's backpack with one hand.

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As they approached the first pit stop, the group broke up a little as Gibbs and Ziva went on ahead and McGee let go of Tony's backpack and slowed.

"Ten minute break, people", called Gibbs.

Tony took a few good strides to escape McGee's weight. He felt so light, less than half the weight he had felt a moment ago. He looked behind; McGee was lagging yet again. Then Tony passed the perfect branch and paused. Just at head height. Nice and flexible. He bent it back and waited for McGee to appear in the gap it had left.

Whack!

McGee's head snapped back with the force of the blow and he fell flat on top of his backpack, his arms spread out, and hanging in mid air.

Tony cackled with glee "Yes!"

It took a few seconds to register that McGee wasn't struggling to his feet and glaring at him but was still doing the upturned turtle routine. Tony's smile froze for a moment then he hiked back over to look down on the prone form.

"McGee", he hissed prodding him with his foot. An ugly welt was beginning to grow across McGee's forehead.

"Don't do this to me", Tony pleaded bending down on one knee to check for a pulse. It was there. Boy was it ever; McGee's heart was going like a steam train. At least Gibbs wouldn't kill him.

"DiNozzo!" speaking of whom….

"A little help, boss", Tony called back.

Gibb's face appeared from nowhere. "What the hell happened?"

"He walked into a branch", Tony suggested.

Ziva snorted from behind Gibbs.

"Uh hu", Gibbs didn't sound at all convinced. He examined the rapidly expanding welt on McGee's forehead, "Bump like that he must have been going what 40, 50 miles an hour?" he raised an eyebrow at Tony.

"Yeah, Boss," Tony knew he was sinking fast but he was trying to stay afloat, "He's been hitting the gym…"

"Enough, DiNozzo", Gibb's patience ran out as McGee started showing signs of consciousness.


	4. Rebirth

Pain; absolute and complete pain. Every limb, every joint, every organ and most definitely his head sending the same message: pain. Slowly, voices disassembled themselves from the pain: One was gruff, an old guy possibly unfriendly, then there was a younger guy, not so sure about him and then a female voice, low and sultry. Hmm, he liked that voice.

"I vote we leave him here and make a run for it, it's the only way we'll outrun this storm", now he was only mildly fond of that voice, tending towards fearful.

"This is not a democracy. Our best bet is to turn around and head back to the cabin". Clearly the gruff one had his best interests at heart. This process of assigning personality to voices was going to require a bit of refining before he got a handle on everyone.

He opened his eyes momentarily and the blaring light seared through his eyes. He caught only a glimpse of the three fuzzy faces.

Gibbs looked up at the sky. He was getting worried: the temperature was already dropping and the wind was picking up.

Ziva gave him a worried look, "What if he can't walk?"

Gibbs frowned, "Let's find out".

He turned to McGee. "Sorry about his McGee but we're pressed for time. Tony, get the other arm."

Together they hauled McGee to his feet. "Can you walk?" Gibbs demanded staring into his glazed eyes at close quarters.

Obediently McGee tried a step and lurched over to the left. Tony caught him and lowered him to a sitting position.

"No good", Gibbs said to Ziva, "He can't walk, we'll have to …."

"I can walk", came McGee's defiant voice, "I just can't balance".

Gibbs absorbed this information for a moment, appreciating the distinction, then made a decision.

"Right Ziva you take the backpack", he started undoing McGee's straps, "and Tony and I will take McGee".

Now that McGee's brain had completed its startup routine and was fully rebooted, he went about the important task of ensuring survival. This involved, primarily, trying to understand his surrounds and his travelling companions. So long as he kept his eyes shut, he seemed to be able to walk in something approximating a straight line. Unless he lost concentration whereupon he veered to the left, taking his human crutches with him. The pain in his head was ever present but becoming bearable. It was either diminishing or he was finding a way to deal with it, he wasn't sure.

Having insisted that he could walk, he felt duty bound to stay upright and not pass out on his feet as the rest of his body was demanding. When he wasn't trying to recover his course, he spent the time listening intently to the banter around him. Clearly the old guy was the boss, his name was 'Gibbs'. The woman who wanted to abandon him to the wilds was 'Ziva' and the other guy was 'Tony' when Ziva spoke and 'DiNozzo' when Gibbs spoke. From that he could work out both the hierarchy and Tony's full name.

His name seemed to be McGee but sometimes Tony called him Probie. That could be a first name but it was probably short for something. He wasn't sure if his current physical state had temporarily lowered him to the bottom of the pecking order or if this was his natural place. Two out of three of his companions seemed concerned enough for his welfare that they were willing to put themselves at risk for him. At least the odds were in his favour.

He still couldn't work out this Tony guy. What he said and what he did seemed dichotomous. One moment, was saying derogatory comments about him and the next he was helping him to drink when he was too disorientated to work out what to do. He definitely need more time to assess this guy.

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They made slow progress and the sleet had already started as the cabin came into view again. The cold rain was starting to soak through their clothes.

"Thank God", said Ziva softly, hugging the backpack tiredly as she walked.

She pushed open the door and stomped in dropping McGee's backpack just inside the door and sat heavily on one of the beds.

Gibbs and Tony followed each supporting McGee around their shoulders. They deposited him on the other bed where he landed with a groan, then staggered to the battered lounge chairs. The outside world was growing dark with the storm and the wind was buffeting the small cabin.

"Let's get that fire going again", Gibbs suggested.

"Right", said Tony, "Probie…"

Gibbs whacked him over the head. "Oh, right boss" and he got up to check the state of the fireplace.

Gibbs hauled himself out of the lounge chair and headed over to where McGee lay. He was sound asleep. Well, he'd let him have this one. He was pretty knackered this morning and he did manage to stay conscious for the entire journey back, which would probably have been no mean feat even if he hadn't had the whack on the head. He reached down and touched McGee's clothing. It was soaking wet. For that matter, his own pants were soaking wet and his jacket.

"Your clothes wet?" he directed his question to Ziva.

She felt her pants, "soaking", she confirmed.

"Let's get them dry", said Gibbs unzipping his fly.

Tony slammed the door shut sheltering his armful of logs. He looked up to see both Gibbs and Ziva removing their pants. "Did I miss something?" he asked hopefully.

"Get your gear off Dinozzo", Gibbs commanded, then seeing Tony's wide-eyed expression, "we're going to dry the stuff off in front of the fire, you moron".

"Oh", said Tony, "I knew that" and he headed over to the fireplace.

When Tony looked up from depositing his logs he saw Ziva removing McGee's pants.

"Where's that camera", he thought out loud.

"What's that DiNozzo", Gibbs queried.

"Ah, I just thought we could use the camera to take more shots of the crime scene since we're stuck here anyway", Tony managed.

Ziva gave him a knowing look.

"Get the fire going, DiNozzo."

Gibbs rustled around in Ziva's pack for the first aid kit and came up with the cold compress. "This might help", he muttered to himself, placing it on McGee's forehead.

He ventured to the window to look out over the blackened landscape. DiNozzo might have done them a favour, this storm came up faster than anticipated and they might not have been able to outrun it.

Of course, now he had other problems.


	5. McGee, Probie McGee

Tony was staring thoughtfully at McGee over his third cup of coffee. Something wasn't right but he wasn't quite sure how to put it into words.

"What is it DiNozzo?" Gibbs asked.

"It's just… well….Probie doesn't snore like that."

He braced himself for a Gibbs comment or even a laugh from Ziva but saw they were both staring at him intently. He took a deep breath, trying to put his unease into words.

"McGee, well, he sort of snores like a kid. This is like real man snoring. I've never heard him like this and he's not…."

"Grinding his teeth", Ziva concluded, nodding in agreement.

Tony looked up at Gibbs, "It's just different, that's all".

Gibbs regarded Tony thoughtfully. If there was one thing about Tony he respected, and there probably was only one, it was his powers of observation.

"For a start, he's exhausted", Gibbs had an almost consoling tone, "He was snoring like that last night. God knows you all were; there was quiet a racket in here. Should have gone for the industry rated plugs", he muttered to himself. He paused for a moment to sip at his coffee, "but I know what you mean. It's not natural."

Tony chewed on his bottom lip for a moment.

"Lets wake him up, its time for lunch anyway", said Gibbs suddenly, placing his coffee cup gently on the coffee table.

McGee woke with a start and looked around blearily.

"Lunch", Gibbs said down to him, "You still gotta eat".

"Oh, right"

Carefully Tony and Gibbs helped McGee roll into a sitting position where he rocked slightly.

"When do we get into port?" asked McGee holding onto the bed.

"It's the concussion, it'll pass", Gibbs assured him.

Gibbs and Tony hauled McGee up, guided him towards a lounge chair and dumped him in.

McGee looked around. Everyone in the room including him seemed to be without pants. These people were very, very strange. Then he spied the pants lying in front of the fire and things began to make a bit more sense.

"How do you feel?" asked Gibbs.

"Ahh, OK I guess. A bit dizzy and nothing is in focus but the nausea has gone."

Tony handed him a packet of hiker rations.

"I take that last bit back", said McGee looking at the food in disgust.

"Good for you," Gibbs assured him, "Full of protein."

"Plus it makes your coat shiny", Tony added playfully.

McGee responded with a snort then shrugged, "OK" and he tucked in with the fork Tony had provided.

After lunch Gibbs handed McGee the digital camera. "McGee, can you get the film do-hickey out and load it onto the lap top?"

McGee regarded the camera intently for a moment then took it and spun it around. Then he paused squinting at it. Finally he gave up and handed it back.

"I'm sorry", he apologised, "I can't focus enough to see what I'm doing." He felt guilty; he could see disappointment in the older man's eyes.

"Maybe later", said Gibbs taking the camera back.

"Meanwhile, McGeek", Tony announced, "I brought cards. Poker, I think. Oh, and I brought some betting tokens!"

"What happened to only bringing the basics, DiNozzo", Gibbs growled.

"Like descent coffee, boss?" Tony teased.

Gibbs regarded him sternly for a moment. "That was essential. Deal, DiNozzo".

"Do we get any rules?" asked McGee.

Tony paused and shot Gibbs a worried look, "Sure Probie" and he gave him a run down of the basics. "You'll pick it up as we go along…" he concluded.

As it turned out it didn't matter too much. By the third round McGee had fallen asleep again sitting up in the old lounge chair letting his hand lie in his lap. Tony did him the service of playing out his hand for him. Strangely, McGee seemed to be losing all his tokens to Tony.

When they woke McGee for dinner, he seemed much more irritable than before. He refused dinner and announced his was heading for bed.

"But you spend the whole day…" Tony protested but Gibbs cut him off.

Gibbs got up to help McGee to the bed but he made it under his own steam and in a straight line. That was a load off Gibbs' mind. At least he would be able to walk tomorrow, even if the attitude problem persisted. Gibbs followed McGee to the bed. He needed to check something. He looked down at McGee as he lay.

"What?" McGee snapped.

"What's your name?" asked Gibbs in a quiet calculating voice.

"McGee"

"You're first name." said Gibbs calmly.

McGee winced as a movement of his eyebrows caused the pain in his head to throb. "Probie" he answered. "Now can I get some sleep?"

Gibbs stared at him for a moment. "Sure. See you in the morning, Probie"


	6. The new you

Tony awoke to a feeling of spaciousness. There was room to move on this bed. Then panic made him sit bolt upright. Where had McGee gone?

He looked around the room and found McGee sitting happily at the small wooden table which, on further inspection, was littered with electrical components. Very small electrical components, each grouped neatly. He had a screwdriver in his hand and was carefully decomposing Gibb's cell phone.

"Ahh, McGee….", Tony began uncertainly, "What are you doing?"

"Figuring out how they work", McGee replied with a grin. Tony rose from the bed and with the extra height; the floor behind the table came into view. A sea of neatly arranged electrical innards greeted him.

"You might want to get this stuff back together", Tony suggested, "We're heading back this morning".

"Oh sure", McGee replied happily, reversing the direction of his screwdriver.

"I just got to pop outside for a moment", said Tony disappearing out the door.

When he returned, McGee had assembled the phone and was starting on the next piece.

"So what it my first name?" McGee began.

For a heartbeat Tony thought of making something up but two things stopped him. Firstly, the name Tim was probably bad enough and secondly, he could use this chance to build up a trust from the new Tim that he has lost from the old Tim. A trust he could exploit later.

"Tim", he replied.

"Hmmm", McGee rolled the name over, "Timothy, or just plain Tim?"

"Usually just Tim"

"So why do you call me Probie?"

"It's a term of endearment, like a nickname."

"Uh, ha, and McGeek?"

"That's a clever play on words".

"Clever play on words and term of endearment", McGee mouthed the words very distinctly concentrating on his work, "Did I believe that last time?"

"I doubt it", Tony admitted.

"So what's Ziva's first name?"

"It's Ziva"

McGee looked up, "Ziva Ziva?"

"No Ziva David."

"Ah", McGee finally got it, "and what's the boss's name?"

Tony grinned; he was going to enjoy this, "Leroy Jethro Gibbs".

McGee laughed, spontaneously, "No really."

"You got a problem with my name McGee?" Gibbs appeared from nowhere and headed for the door closely followed by Ziva.

"Ah no sir", he mightn't know the names, but the pecking order was obvious enough.

"Don't call me sir", called Gibbs.

Ziva paused to inspect the mass of components on the table. Tony sensed some fun to be had at McGee's expense.

"You know Probie", he began

"Term of endearment…"McGee explained to Ziva in a sarcastic voice.

"You've actually had sex with someone from work."

McGee stopped working and looked at Ziva with surprise.

"In your dreams, McGee", she said.

McGee looked puzzled leaving the door open for Tony to step in for the kill. He leant over and ran his index finger along McGee's jaw line.

"Why do you think I call you Probie?" Tony said in a low voice in McGee's ear. McGee swallowed hard.

"Don't be mean, Tony", Ziva chided. "It's not him", she assured McGee, "It's someone else".

"Don't touch his face", Gibbs growled.

McGee yelped at a sudden thought and Ziva laughed. "It's not him either. Relax, it's a girl."

McGee let out a relived sigh.

"Tony's the only guy here who has kissed another man", she continued mischievously.

"Hey", Tony complained to McGee, "You told her."

"But I didn't know", McGee protested; "now she's told me."

"Whoa", said Tony in awe, "this is like one of those time paradoxes. But I still get to whack you on the head."

Gibbs caught Tony on the back of the head first, "You can't hit him in the head until we clear it with Ducky."

"But he is asking for it, Boss."

"No."

"Let me get this straight", McGee interrupted, "In order to be physically abused by this guy, I need to get permission from a duck."

Gibbs stared at him for a moment stunned, "Ducky: Dr Donald Mallard, our medical examiner", he explained.

"Oh, so he gets to hit me over my dead body", McGee concluded with a chuckle.

Gibbs' hand hung tantalisingly behind McGee's head.

"See", said Tony.

"Ok", Gibbs ordered regretfully lowering his hand, "Pack everything up, we're going home people"

McGee looked up with absolutely no comprehension in his eyes, "home?"

"We don't live here McGee", said Tony in exasperation "We're here for work. Just a quick five hour stroll and we'll be in the car that takes us to the office where we can all get into our own cars and drive home."

"You're kidding, right?" McGee looked a little alarmed.

"No", said Ziva, tossing him his backpack, "and this time you carry your own stuff."


	7. Return of Elf Lord

The return trek to the car in the clearer weather seemed faster than their initial journey. It was doubtful McGee's fitness was memory related, it was possible the couple of days hiking and all the sleep had actually helped McGee keep up better. Or the rest of them were so tired they had been reduced to his level. Either way, Gibbs was rather pleased they had kept together more or less as a group.

There was a great sense of relief when they tossed their packs in the boot and started their return journey to work. Gibbs felt a sense of normality as he took the wheel, slammed the car into drive and floored the pedal: Much better. He looked around. Everyone else seemed to have fallen asleep the moment they sat down. All the better, then they couldn't see how he really drove when no one was looking.

The three agents awoke with a simultaneous start when Gibbs slammed on the brakes in the car park.

"We're home", he announced.

"Yes!" Ziva cheered leaping form the car, "Showers!"

"Come on, Probie", Tony said to McGee, "I'll show you your stuff".

* * *

The shower was the first chance McGee had had to see most of his body. It was OK for now. Not as taunt as everyone else's. Then he noticed something on his butt.

"What the..?"

"Found the tat Probie?", Tony's voice echoed through the showers.

Gibbs laughed, "Wondered when he'd see that".

"Hey… how do you guys know?"

They both laughed at him again. He wasn't fond of everyone knowing his business.

After the shower, Tony helped McGee sort through his personal possessions. "Here're your keys, Probie."

McGee looked at the bunch in Tony's hand. "How do I know which is the front door?"

"No problem" said Tony, "You label all your keys with little tiny labels."

"Hey cool", McGee looked over the keys in fascination.

Tony shook his head, "No, no it isn't. Sad: yes. Anal: most definitely. But not cool."

* * *

McGee entered his apartment with Tony hesitantly. It seemed rather pokey; a little kitchen, open shelves full of boxes. Then he rounded the corner and his eyes lit upon the dual-headed online gaming consol.

"Whoa! Is that mine?" he ran his fingers delicately along the surface of the keyboard.

"Sadly, yes", said Tony morosely.

"Damn, I can't remember my password", McGee swore, "Hold on, if I label my keys, I would have written it on a piece of paper and put it somewhere obvious. I'm only trying to protect the account from online people, not people who break in. No one would break in just to play computer games. Would they?" he asked Tony.

"No", Tony shook his head sadly, the old McGee was starting to leak back in, "No they wouldn't."

"Ah ha!" McGee cried, "Got it!" and he held up a piece of paper victoriously, "I love being me."

"Before I leave you to the realms of the fantasy world, do you want to check out your bedroom and wardrobe?"

"Not really", said McGee concentrating on booting up his computer.

"Humour me, while it boots up", Tony suggested.

"Oh, OK", McGee relented keeping his eyes on his machine as he followed Tony around to the wardrobe.

"This is your stuff", Tony indicated with a sweep of his hand at McGee's clothes, "We were just scheduled to go shopping for something more….fashionable."

McGee tore his eyes away from the computer to glance in his wardrobe. He stopped short.

"Why do all my shirts have mit written on them? Am I into baseball or something?"

Tony laughed until the tears streamed down his face. "Oh, I have got to tell Abby that one," he managed through the laughs "that's just priceless."

"What?" McGee was annoyed.

"Later", Tony gasped, "Oh and log in as Elf Lord".

McGee regarded him sceptically, "No, really." Tony tried to regain his composure, "It's your gamming secret identity."

Then Tony headed for the door, wiping tears from his face. "I'll be here at 8 am sharp", he warned, "Don't' spend all night playing."

"OK, OK", came McGee's muffled voice from the computer.

Tony let himself out.


	8. The Office

Tony knocked on McGee's door at promptly 8 am. No response. He flicked out his credit card and undid the lock. The place seemed quiet enough except for the sound of an alarm clock but he pulled out his weapon, just in case. Carefully, he rounded the bedroom door and found McGee face down, sound asleep next to the blaring alarm.

Holstering his weapon, he walked over and turned off the alarm. Now all he could hear were McGee's snores. He shook McGee roughly.

"What", McGee muttered into his pillow.

"Its 8 am", he bent down to McGee's eye level. "Sharp", he spat.

"Oh, sorry", McGee hauled himself out of bed.

"Come on, get ready", said Tony, "I'll shout you a breakfast burrito."

"A what?"

"Don't worry, you love them", Tony assured him. McGee frowned at him. He really wasn't sure how much of what this guy said could be believed.

"What's with the typewriter?" he asked Tony as they left.

"You're writing a novel about an investigator called L. J. Tibbs."

"Wow doesn't that sound just like..?"

"Yep", Tony confirmed.

* * *

McGee followed at Tony's heels around the building like a well trained puppy. When they arrived at autopsy, however, Tony stood aside and with a grand gesture, motioned for McGee to precede him. McGee took two steps in the door and then back-peddled into Tony at the sight that greeted him.

Tony smirked to himself. That was fun. "What's up Probie?" he asked innocently.

"W..W…What is he doing?" McGee stammered.

"An autopsy, McGee, hence the name 'Austopsy'", Tony pointed to the sign above the door.

McGee was still standing halfway in the door, with a horrified look on his face.

"You'll get used to it", Tony assured him and he pushed his way past McGee, dragged him in after.

"McGee, this is Ducky", Tony introduced as Ducky looked up from his work.

"Ah, hi", said McGee uncertainly.

"Oh don't mind me", Ducky grumbled, "I'm always the first person you amnesiacs forget."

Ducky picked up a folder lying on the table. "Hmm", he said to himself scanning the contents. Then the looked up at McGee. "Well, you'd better come and sit up here and we'll see what we've got."

McGee hoisted himself on the table giving Tony a sideways glance. Tony gave him an encouraging nod. Ducky shone a light in each of his eyes.

"Well, it's a bit late to be worried about it now, of course, but you don't seem to have suffered any major side effects."

"What?" who was this quack.

Ducky gave a half-laugh, "Oh, I know it seems major that you can't remember anything but the swellings going down, you can still walk, your pupils are the same size, any headaches, tiredness?"

"A little", McGee conceded. "I have like this permanent annoying headache".

"That's called Tony", Ducky confided to him in a low voice, "We all get that."

"Yes, well, that should go in time", Ducky assured him in full voice. "You might find your sleep patterns change a bit so watch out for it."

"Like how?"

"Oh, you know, like getting tired in the afternoon, not sleeping at night, begin tired even after you've slept. It's just your body re-adjusting. It'll settle down."

"Oh, good", said McGee in a concerned voice.

Ducky looked up at him. "You'll be fine. Good as new in no time, but for now", he consulted the folder in front of him, "You're allergic to cats, shellfish and poison ivy.."

Tony gave an involuntary shudder and McGee shot him a questioning look. "Wasn't pretty", Tony explained.

"You suffer from sea sickness", Ducky continued, "and you have a history of exertional asthma." He shut the folder with a hearty thump.

"Wish you'd told us that before we hiked all over that national park", Tony grumbled at Ducky.

"If I had to recount EVERYBODY'S medical history to their co-workers", Ducky glared at Tony, "some people would get quite a shock."

Tony swallowed hard: Point taken.

Ducky returned his attention to McGee. "For now, just go up and get re-acquainted with your world. It will all come back to you soon enough."

McGee looked unconvinced but he thanked Ducky anyway and shoved himself off the gurney.

* * *

As the elevator doors opened Tony motioned for McGee to step out. He did so and looked over the sea of desk.

"Pick which is yours", Tony invited.

McGee scanned the room until his eyes came to rest on the ipod. "That one", he said making a beeline for it.

"Yep", said Tony following him, "It's all in there somewhere."

McGee grabbed the ipod and started scanning the contents. "Whoa, who's this", he asked Tony showing him a girl's photo.

"We might never find out now", said Tony regretfully.

"Maybe I have her number", McGee suggested hopefully switching to the address book. Then he sighed in dismay, there were literally hundreds of addresses and phone numbers. He put down the ipod. It would all come back to him, he was sure.

"How did you remember how to find the addresses?" Tony asked.

McGee shot him a pitiful look, "It's rather intuitive, it's clearly made so even the most simple-minded moron can figure it out".

Tony shot Gibbs an amused look. Gibbs returned a 'get on with it or your fired' look.

"Let's go visit Abby", Tony suggested quickly.


	9. Ms Scuito, I presume

"McGee!" Abby greeted him warmly, "Oh you poor thing" and she enveloped him in a warm hug.

That was unexpected. He could get used to this girl. Wait was that a spider web on her neck?

Abby looked at his blank face with pity. "You really don't remember me do you?"

"No sorry", actually he really was quite sorry.

"That's OK", she said gently, "I'm sure we can bring it all back to you".

She brightened up, "Let me show you the lab again. I'll show you all the bits you love".

"I'll leave him with you Abbs", said Tony, I just have to check something for Gibbs".

"OK", Abby waved him off absently.

When he had gone McGee turned to Abby. "I don't really know how to take him".

"What do you mean?"

"Well, he's either making fun of me, or being nice to me or lying to me. I just can't work it out."

"It's frustration".

"Excuse me?"

"You see, McGee, Tony's gay and he is really into you but you're completely straight."

McGee blinked at her. Now he didn't know if he trusted her. She seemed so nice.

"It's true!" she assured him, "Tony and Gibbs are an item".

"What!" McGee exclaimed.

"McGee you're such a prude. Don't let Gibbs hear you talk like that".

"Um..OK", McGee stammered. His mind flashed back to Gibbs saying 'don't touch his face', Gibbs was jealous?

Tony reappeared and McGee looked at him in a fresh light.

"How's it going McGee?" he said.

"Ah.. fine", said McGee hesitantly.

"What's up?" Tony frowned at him.

"Nothing", said McGee innocently.

"I told him", said Abby triumphantly.

"And you believed her?" he shot at McGee.

"Well, I suppose so", McGee said, his eyes flitting between the two of them.

"I am so disappointed in you", said Tony whipping out his wallet and depositing twenty dollars in Abby's waiting hand.

"That was a bet", said McGee incredulously.

"Yep, only usually you're the one getting fleeced", Tony laughed, "Bring him back up when you've finished with him, Abbs".

McGee stared stunned at Tony's retreating back. He turned to say something to Abby but she had already moved on.

"I want to show you this equation", she said tapping on her keyboard, "It's from string theory. It called homology."

McGee looked at the equation on the screen. "You mean cohomolgy", he corrected her.

"Homology."

"No, it's definitely cohomology."

Abby rounded on him "How do you know?"

McGee opened his mouth to tell her and then realised he had no idea. It didn't mean she was right. "I just do."

"Because you did your year in independent studies at MIT in advanced string theory!" she yelled at him waving her arms dramatically.

McGee looked at her for a moment, processing what she had just said. "Oh…", he finally registered, "MIT", then he chuckled. "No wonder Tony laughed."

Abby sighed in exasperation, "I can't believe you!"

"What?" he asked innocently.

"I mean, how could you possibly remember the difference between homology and cohomolgy and not remember sleeping with me McGee?"

"Sorry," he wasn't sure how to apologise for something like that.

"It means you like homology better than me!"

"No it doesn't", he said indignantly, "It means I like cohomolgy better than you."

She stared daggers at him for a moment, then a thought struck her.

"So you really don't remember having sex with me?"

"I don't remember having sex with anyone", he replied, emphasising the point.

"So you're like a virgin, then?" Abby looked expectantly into his eyes.

"Excuse me?"

"Well, if you don't actually remember doing it, then technically you've been re-virginized," Abby explained patiently.

McGee knitted his brows and then wished he hadn't. Any movement of his skin hurt the lump on his head. He wasn't sure if it was condemnation or invitation.

"We're going to have to fix that", she smiled touching his nose with her finger tip.

McGee's jaw dropped a little. Did she just say that?


	10. I'm Baaaaack

The elevator ding brought McGee out of his revelry. Abby had certainly done everything she could to prompt some memories. Or perhaps create some new ones. The little room in the lab had been festooned with scented candles with labels like 'to enhance memory', and 'to encourage familiarity'. It all looked a little crazy, especially when she brought out the handcuffs. But then she had taken off her top and he'd seen the giant tattoo on her back. Strangely, he thought the little tattoo on his butt made him like the key and her, the lock. The analogy worked well on many levels, given what they had just done.

Ducky was right, he was feeling like a nap, but it might not be due to the bump on the head.

He made his way from the elevator to the bullpen, searching the faces around him for any signs of familiarity. He might as well be walking in a chicken yard. They all looked alike.

"We've you been?" asked Gibbs gruffly.

"Ahh, Abby was trying to prompt some memories", he said walking over to where Ziva was rhythmically bashing her head on her monitor. Did he just imagine Tony reaching for his wallet again? Ah well, even if it was a bet, he probably did better out of it than Tony.

Ziva automatically gave him space as he neared her keyboard. He took one look at the screen, frowned, did a cntrl-alt-del to kill of the offending program and then headed off to his own desk.

"Did Abby's little session work?" asked Gibbs watching him move from Ziva's desk.

Tony looked up with great interest on his face.

"Ahh, sort of..", he wasn't sure how to phrase this, "I sort of got some vision of a coffin, which Abby said was a good sign."

Gibbs eyebrows shot up, "What were you doing? You know she sleeps in a coffin", then he paused, "Not just sleeps."

McGee averted his eyes. These people knew way too much about each other. "We were, well, it involved scented candles and handcuffs…"

"She's done that to you before", Tony chimed in.

"Really?"

He turned his attention to Gibbs. "I seem to remember all the work stuff, just not the social stuff," he said slowly, considering the facts. "Like I can read my own code but I can't work out what the deal is with Tony."

"It's like a big brother, little brother thing", Tony explained.

McGee turned to him: "So which of us is the older brother?"

Tony pulled a face at him.

"Actually, I've always seen you as good twin, evil twin", said Ziva wistfully.

McGee nodded his head thoughtfully, accepting this.

"Hey…", said Tony, "Aren't you going to ask who is who?"

"Nope", said McGee.

Tony could hold back no longer, "Thwack", he clipped McGee up the back of the head. It felt so good: a great release of pent up frustration.

"Hey……", McGee complained, "I hate it when you do that."

Tony, Gibbs and Ziva stared at him.

"You what?" Tony clarified.

McGee savoured the words slowly, "I hate it when you do that", he repeated. 'You do it a lot and it always feels the same. Just like that."

Slowly the light was dawning. The place felt familiar, the people looked familiar. The sea of anonymous faces was beginning to take on personalities: friend, enemy and complete stranger. He knew where he was and who he was.

He smiled. He also knew who that girl was on his ipod and why Tony was never going to find out who she was.

Tony was grinning at him, so was Ziva, even Gibbs seemed to have a shine in his eyes. It must have written all over his face. Tony came over and put an arm around him.

"Welcome back kid", he said affectionately.

Then he lowered his voice. "You might want to put the innocent expression back on, though; Abby's planning on a very adventurous night to jog your memory."

McGee's eyes opened wide in excitement and anticipation. "Abby who?" he said.


End file.
